Lent so far - a complete failure - and yet…

Since going offline I’ve realised how So much of my spiritual life has been propped up by ego. How much I am drawn to how something looks and feels and not what it really is.

In a way it has masked the painful discovery of what I really am. 

God have mercy on me.

From this low vantage point I see my spiritual poverty clearly.

During this time, there have been so many temptations to forget the spirit and look only at the world. I have fallen into these temptations countless times. They are numerous: my daughter’s exams, money issues, my husband’s work issues, health issues, household issues etc…

I’m not sure if there’s been more than usual or my focus has just shifted, been less distracted and therefore I’m simply more aware of them.

I had so many plans to attend daily mass, weekly stations of the cross, etc, etc, etc…

It’s been a complete failure.

And due to the lack of screen time to assuage and channel my emotions I’ve felt much stronger temptations.

Prayer has been occasionally luminous but most often dry and distasteful which has been confusing and heartbreaking as prayer has always been my refuge.

I have felt my complete powerlessness without God. I’ve felt the depths of my poverty. It’s been very humbling.

Time I thought I spent with God I now realise was  me actually spending time interfacing with an online world. 

This online world gave me rewards that fed my ego rather than my soul.

It also effected my opinions and ideas about things so that I was more overcome by emotion than reason and most importantly the dealings of The Holy Spirit in my own life.

It is indeed dangerous to be too curious or to seek to judge the intentions of others, both of which are encouraged by the internet. 

I want to choose another path. Even once lent is over, I don’t want to go back. God has led me here, I’m certain. This place is not comfortable to be sure but it is a necessary peeling away of layers and a revelation of Truth. 

This path of poverty is truly a treasure even though it’s a constant, painful reminder of how far I am from where I want to be. 

It reveals how actually fearful, doubtful, idle, ungenerous  I really am without external  resources to prop me up and mask the truth.

God please don’t abandon me. Please help me.

Jesus, I trust in You. 

Good Shepherd lead Your wayward sheep.

My Jesus, help me to amend my life.