Struggling

I have struggled this lent. I have been hit by darts and missiles of temptation and every good intention has been somehow thwarted. It has made me afraid to pray. It has made me afraid to approach God.

 He has given me so much Grace yet still I am attracted by the things of the world, still I seek refuge in pleasures and distractions. I feel so poor in spirit. 

When I can’t feel God, when I’m in a desert place I remember and am drawn back to the amusements, distractions and consolations of the world, ‘the fleshpots of Egypt’ just as the Israelites were during their Exodus. Though I have seen the wonders of His works in my life, I have encountered Him, I turn from Him. 

God have mercy on my forgetfulness, my wilfulness, my selfishness. May I only take joy in that which You want me to have and in nothing which You don’t want me to have. 

Father,  don’t allow me to break Your heart. Make me Love what You Love and despise what You despise. Do what You must with me so that I remain Yours Father. 

There have been times in my life when I’ve been able to say all my prayers with great feeling and ease, I’ve read  holy books, gone to mass regularly and felt spiritually overflowing and inwardly self satisfied and proud, thinking that I am favoured by God.

And here I am in lent, feeling so spiritually impoverished, feeling like the Publican who couldn’t raise his eyes to heaven.

In all other religions this would be a place of despair. But with our God, streams trickle even through the desert places. 

Jesus says, the Kingdom of heaven belongs to the poor of spirit. Jesus says that it was the Publican, broken as he was, aware of his brokenness, as he was, who was made right with God, not the proud Pharisee who gave alms, tithed, remembered all the feasts and said Long prayers in the temple every day.

I have felt as though, I can’t approach God, I have felt as though there is no point in praying as I am such a failure. Yet this is one of the enemy’s biggest tricks. He tries to make us feel despair. He tries to make us feel that there is no point in reading the Bible or praying because we will never be good enough. 

Yet Jesus. Jesus says in many ways, over and over again, that humility and love is the key.

Perfect praying and following the rules are a means to this end. They are not an end in themselves. The consolation and satisfaction we feel at doing them well is not the end, it is only the beginning.

Jesus has come to break the idol of self. In its place He intends to bring Himself to dwell and abide within our souls.

In this place I must persevere even though I feel little consolation. I must persevere even though I keep confronting my imperfections.

This itself is perhaps also a Grace and a Mercy.

This place of discomfort, terrible fear of disconnecting from God, of seeing how easily I can stumble, this place of ego death, makes me humble, it gives me compassion for all who struggle and sin. It makes me feel so sorry for those whose lives are ruled by sin. How easy it is to lose our way in this world.

How I feel for souls. Look at me, with all my reading and praying, with such Graces from the sacraments, and still I struggle so much to do one good thing with true, pure intention. How can I dare look on others who perhaps haven’t even had a tiny bit of all the Mercies I’ve had.

In this place I have stopped relying on my own strength. I have no strength.

Jesus, please, in Your Mercy, be my strength and my sheild.

Only You can do this Jesus. 

Amen